Where do I begin.
The majority of this week has been shitty. I went with my sister Alli to visit my family in Chico who ended up camping for longer so I didn't even get to see my oldest sister or nephew who I haven't seen in probably over 2 years. We partied and both my sisters who I was with ditched me for boys that they're "talking" to and I had to figure out how to get back to my sisters house without my car in a town that I didn't know. That isn't even the whole story but I'm getting flustered talking about it..

so anyway currently I feel more depressed than I ever have..
I'm kind of in denial about it.
All I do is drink.
I've gained weight, not much but enough for my pants to start not fitting so nicely.
I use people to fill a void and distract me from how I'm really feeling.. I feel selfish.
I sat in the bottom of the shower and closed my eyes tonight and all I could do was picture my old bathroom in SR and wished I could just open my eyes and that's where I'd be. Like this past 3 months was just a dream. It made me start crying uncontrollably.
I feel so damn emotional.
What the fuck is wrong with me..

my cat is in heat.

i hate this.

and I'm already tired of this ice cream.. to be honest I'm not sure why I'm eating it at all. I'm not hungry, I wasn't craving it... I just went and did it anyway. I guess food has always comforted me in times of distress. It helps me take my mind of things even if it's a short period of time.

I canceled my Netflix account. I haven't used it in weeks I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I would totally keep it if I had a television in my room so I could at least watch the DVDs that come in the mail but I sold mine before I moved to S.R. Oh well.

I'm never home anymore.. I guess it's because I have nothing to do here except sit on my laptop in my room or watch whatever Jaimie/Philip/Frick are watching in the living room. I have no food here and I don't see much of a point of cooking for myself lately so I just eat out. This place doesn't feel like home. I miss the comforts of having my own place and someone to cook with..

I'm realizing I do need someone to feel content.. I guess I've always known that but I thought if I was with my friends all the time I'd be better about it but I'm not. Lately it's been showing more and more.
I've been talking to someone and he's an amazing person but I'm getting right back into a situation I said I didn't want to be in. Part of me thinks I enjoy it. I'm getting attached. The entire situation sucks so hard and I know my ex would never understand. I truly care about how he feels and I really don't want to hurt him. So many emotions..

I haven't worked in a week and a half. I'll admit half of that was my fault but the other half was my work not scheduling me. I'm so screwed. I haven't slept in my own bed in 3 days. I haven't been this sober in about a week.

I think my cat just ate a spider


These are my current distractions from the reality of everything that's been happening.